Navigating Cancer and Grief: Gabby and Colten’s Story (105)

We're honored to share a deeply moving story of love and loss with Gabby Wadsworth. You may remember her from Episode 104, where she shared her journey of leaving the Mormon Church. If her strength and resilience touched you then, this episode will resonate even more deeply.

This episode focuses on her husband Colten Wadsworth, who battled cancer for 3.5 years. Gabby opens up about Colten's fight, their life together during those challenging times, and her journey through the profound grief of losing him. Her wisdom and strength in the face of such loss are deeply moving and inspiring.

Join us as we listen to Gabby's heartfelt narrative, honoring Colten's life and their enduring love. Through their story, we hope to offer support and empower you to see and experience death and grief in a new way—embracing both life and death more fully.

If Gabby and Colten's story moves you as much as it has us, please share this episode with your friends and family.

Episodes Referenced:

Leaving the Mormon Church with Gabby Wadsworth

Experiencing Grief with Grief Therapist Litsa Williams

Death: The Ultimate Life Coach with Death Doula Jill McClennen

Microdosing and Earth Medicine with Liz Bowden

Retelling the History of Psychedelic Mushrooms

Transcript

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:02:06
Speaker 1
I just want you to know that

00:00:02:06 - 00:00:15:05
Speaker 1
the love that I feel for you, it doesn't just exist solely inside me. It exists around me and in you. Now. And that will continue to be here even after I'm gone.

00:00:16:05 - 00:00:21:15
Speaker 1
world lost Colton Wadsworth on November 26th, 2022.

00:00:21:15 - 00:00:26:17
Speaker 1
He passed away peacefully, surrounded by his loving family

00:00:26:17 - 00:00:29:15
Speaker 1
after battling cancer for three and a half years.

00:00:29:15 - 00:00:35:17
Speaker 1
Today you get to hear from his loving wife, Gabby. You met in our last episode

00:00:35:17 - 00:00:41:22
Speaker 1
and she shares how together they navigated Colton's last few years of life.

00:00:41:22 - 00:00:55:00
Speaker 1
This episode is intended to honor Colton's life, Colton and Gabby's love, and Gabby's continued wisdom and strength, even through life's hardest moment.

00:00:55:02 - 00:01:00:05
Speaker 1
And she's graciously agreed to share their heartbreakingly beautiful story with us.

00:01:00:05 - 00:01:14:01
Speaker 1
And ultimately, I think through hearing Gabby and Colton story, you are going to feel supported and empowered to see and experience death and grief in a whole new way.

00:01:14:01 - 00:01:22:16
Speaker 1
And it's in a way that I think can help us all to embrace life and death more fully.

00:02:44:05 - 00:03:23:00
Speaker 1
Yeah. so kind of in reference to our last conversation, like the last episode we had left Mormonism. Like, that was kind of a few really strong emotional years for us. And we had moved around quite a bit, just with jobs. And we moved to Phoenix and, and Phoenix. That's sort of been probably 2017. And we were there for about a year and a half.

00:03:23:02 - 00:04:02:07
Speaker 1
and towards the end of our Phoenix era, cotton started to really get this persistent pain in his, like kind of his sciatic area. So like the back lower hip almost, that we always kind of were thinking it was maybe nerve pain because he and I were both like, we grew up athletes, very active. So kind of having random aches and pains were just normal and would eventually go away.

00:04:02:09 - 00:04:26:19
Speaker 1
but this pain was kind of starting to persist. And, around the end of 2018, Colton ended up not switching jobs, but he ended up just going, kind of taking care of the Colorado division of his current job. And so we moved to to Denver

00:04:26:19 - 00:04:38:01
Speaker 1
So right before Gabby and Colton made the move to Colorado and kind of once they were getting settled there, the pain got really persistent and just wouldn't go away.

00:04:38:01 - 00:04:40:00
Speaker 1
the pain just really

00:04:40:00 - 00:04:41:18
Speaker 1
just became constant.

00:04:41:18 - 00:04:51:21
Speaker 1
And like, I just remember how many things we were buying to like, like contractions basically to to try and alleviate that pain.

00:04:51:21 - 00:05:10:08
Speaker 1
just like all sorts of stuff. Because his pain was just it was just constant. And, he was taking, you know, the max dose of ibuprofen every single day. And it was by the time we were, in Denver at the beginning of 2019,

00:05:10:08 - 00:05:39:18
Speaker 1
I was starting to get, like, pretty worried, because he had started seeing a chiropractor and a lot of times because we have experience with, like, physical therapy, chiropractic, like all sorts of massage, like we've again, this was like not necessarily new to us having aches and pains, but, it just wasn't getting better. And he kept this particular chiropractor, he kept saying like, this is actually kind of getting worse.

00:05:39:20 - 00:06:05:08
Speaker 1
And she was like assuring him, like, it'll get worse before it gets better. And I was kind of freaking out. And, I distinctly remember one night this would have probably been like a month before getting the diagnosis. He was trying to sleep. It was like really late. I was out in the living room on my laptop, just like kind of googling all of his symptoms.

00:06:05:08 - 00:06:26:17
Speaker 1
And I was like, because I was like, what is this? And one of the things that popped up was sarcoma. And I remember like seeing that and that was just like, I was like, what? I've never heard this word in my life. And I like kind of went on a bit of a deep dive on that. And then I was just like, it is not that

00:06:26:17 - 00:06:28:20
Speaker 1
like, that is horrible.

00:06:28:20 - 00:06:34:02
Speaker 1
No. Yeah, that's absolutely not. And

00:06:34:02 - 00:07:03:16
Speaker 1
and then we ended up going to driving to Idaho from Denver for my little sister's wedding, on May 4th, and I on her wedding day, like that night, I remember so clearly because Colton and I at weddings, like, we're such a fun time. Like. Hi. This is.

00:07:03:18 - 00:07:24:09
Speaker 1
Like, it was just fun. Like, I'm not a dancer, but he would like. He would bring out the dance floor, and we would just. We would just dance, like, dance the night away. And it was always so fun. And so, like that night, he could only dance with me for. A few minutes, like a few minute intervals. And then he was just, you know, like, I'm so sorry.

00:07:24:09 - 00:07:27:11
Speaker 1
Like, I. This hurts so bad. I just need to, like, sit

00:07:27:11 - 00:07:37:21
Speaker 1
As Gabby and Colton were heading home from the wedding, they stopped by to visit Colton's old high school. TT and Colton shared with him what had been going on with his pain.

00:07:37:21 - 00:07:48:19
Speaker 1
this physical therapist was just like, this is not normal. Like, this is not normal. This should not be getting like what you're describing to me is is bad.

00:07:48:19 - 00:08:10:09
Speaker 1
Like it shouldn't. All of these things you're doing like you're doing everything right. It should not be getting worse. You should be seeing some improvement at least. And so he was like, you need to go home. You need to find a primary. Like even if it's an urgent care person, like, I don't care if you don't have primary care, find someone and tell them this and tell them you need to get an MRI, like insist on it.

00:08:10:11 - 00:08:12:15
Speaker 1
And so we did.

00:08:12:15 - 00:08:41:23
Speaker 1
the doctor was great. He was just like, oh, yeah, that does sound horrible. Let's get you some scans ordered. And, we got scans a few days after that, and we were just kind of waiting in limbo and ironically, like, it's just so crazy to think back because he had all this pain, but at the same time, like, we were still so active, like you would never look at him and say like, oh, this person has cancer.

00:08:42:01 - 00:09:02:06
Speaker 1
Like this person sick. Like this person has something eating away at him on the inside. because the day before we got the call, we had gone on an eight mile hike, like in Colorado. Like it was just. Yeah. And he was. He was in pain by the end of it. But he had like, wanted to do it.

00:09:02:06 - 00:09:36:11
Speaker 1
And, yeah, the next day we get a call and it's the doctor and he's just like, so I don't know what this is, but this has already these scans have already been sent off to every major cancer clinic in the United States, like Mayo Sloan-Kettering, and MD Anderson, like all of these things because he was like, I've never seen this in my life.

00:09:36:11 - 00:09:59:11
Speaker 1
Like I've been doing, you know, I've been a GP for 40 years and I've never seen anything like this. So I don't know what to say. Like, I don't this just doesn't. Yeah. Yeah. No. He was like I think he was like, these are what I think it could be. I think it could be maybe a lymphoma.

00:09:59:13 - 00:10:29:16
Speaker 1
Most likely a sarcoma, just with how it looks. but he was like, yeah, we were getting this sent off. And I've also contacted, like, the cancer centers here. So here are these recommendations, because whatever this is, you need to be talking with like orthopedic, surgeons like basically let's get a jump start on this. And so, that was.

00:10:29:18 - 00:10:49:09
Speaker 1
That was so surreal. Like, I just remember he, like, I was kind of near him, so I was kind of getting bits and pieces of this, and then I was just, I think I remember I had to walk out of the room at one point cause I was just like, oh my God, this is not this is not happening.

00:10:49:09 - 00:11:05:18
Speaker 1
This is not happening like that. There has to be a mistake. Like, maybe this is just an injury like that has become crazy. And like, I, you know, I knew nothing about cancer and how it worked and what it looked like or anything like that. So I he hung up the phone and he just came and got me.

00:11:05:18 - 00:11:32:23
Speaker 1
And you're just like, I think they think I have cancer. And I just, I he we just like it was just this shock. Like there was no real emotion for a good like, I want to see. We just kind of sat in silence, like looking at each other for a long time. And then we were just like, what do we do?

00:11:32:23 - 00:11:59:08
Speaker 1
I was like, should you call your mom? Like, do we call people? Do we tell people like, and it's yeah. And so he yeah I know. And so so he did he called his mom and, and she was very much in the same camp from what I remember, the same kind of like mindset of like, okay, maybe they have this wrong.

00:11:59:08 - 00:12:17:04
Speaker 1
Like maybe this is, you know, we don't actually know anything right now. You know, something's going on. It's not good. let's let's hear what everybody has to say. Like all these, you know, these have been sent off. Let's let's see, let's wait. And,

00:12:17:05 - 00:12:45:23
Speaker 1
But I think it kind of dawned on Colton after his first conversation with his mom because he just like, he just cried, like, in my arms and, I mean, he immediately was like, oh my God, what am I going to die? Like, am I going to die from this? And I, of course, I was just like, no, no you're not.

00:12:46:01 - 00:13:11:20
Speaker 1
I have now made it my mission. Whatever. Whatever this is. Yeah. You will not die like we will. We are in a we're in a good city. We have resources. We are going to take advantage of them. And Colton went through you know, we we ended up going in for a biopsy of the tumor. it ended up, of course, being Ewing sarcoma

00:13:11:20 - 00:13:26:22
Speaker 1
Gabby was researching everything she could to advocate for Colton the best that anyone possibly could. And it turns out that this was really necessary because their first oncology experience was not great.

00:13:26:22 - 00:13:52:00
Speaker 1
as soon as we got the confirmation of, like, yeah, this is this is unique circumstances cancer. And I just, I did nothing but read for a couple years, honestly. But like, definitely for a good few months of just straight just my brain could not not consume information about cancer in general.

00:13:52:01 - 00:14:19:02
Speaker 1
This cancer specifically, and just all of the different I mean, I looked into every single like naturopathic thing and I looked into THC stuff. I went to like complementary, like things that could complement chemo and radiation, like all of these things. So I went, like, down every single avenue and like, I was like, throwing off the second I was like, okay, we need to try this.

00:14:19:02 - 00:14:30:06
Speaker 1
We're going to try we're going to do this. But for me, like, I would have to be doing this like some sort of juice cleanse or some sort of putting little,

00:14:30:06 - 00:14:37:21
Speaker 1
also, oil. So it's like thc pure thc oil that you like, put is a suppository.

00:14:37:21 - 00:14:48:23
Speaker 1
And like, I was how you can do those and, like, high doses. Yes. I was like everything. And and so I had like, I would have questions and

00:14:48:23 - 00:14:55:11
Speaker 1
and the first cancer center we went to,

00:14:55:13 - 00:14:59:17
Speaker 1
Was not a great experience kind of right away.

00:14:59:17 - 00:15:09:03
Speaker 1
I would kind of like, try and ask some of the questions. And I just felt immediately from her that it was like, why are you even asking me any questions?

00:15:09:03 - 00:15:29:18
Speaker 1
Like, I am the expert, nothing else should matter. And in yes. And I'm just like, you know, and it's kind of funny thinking back like, yeah, I was gonna say, coming from that whole history, I that immediately I was just like, listen, I can be like.

00:15:29:20 - 00:15:35:04
Speaker 2
Yeah, I.

00:15:35:06 - 00:15:57:02
Speaker 1
Am I yeah. Because the thing is, is like, I was okay with, like, if I was coming with something and it was just like, that wasn't going to work for XYZ. I'm okay with being told that if it's like you have something like it's like, no, that that's actually been tried or studied and doesn't work because of x, y, z.

00:15:57:02 - 00:16:30:13
Speaker 1
Like that's okay with me. I am okay with like being like, okay, cool, dumb. But that was just not the approach. She took it all and his no. And it was it was hard because cotton from hearing like that it even might be cancer just understandably slipped into such a deep depressive apathy kind of. And so it was just.

00:16:30:15 - 00:16:52:10
Speaker 1
Yeah. He was like, this is happening. And I don't even want to live right now, and I don't want to fight any of this. And I just kind of have to. And again, all understandable. But I very much felt like because of that, I, like I was the person, like I was the person who was going to be his voice, who was going to make sure he was taken care of properly.

00:16:52:10 - 00:17:02:18
Speaker 1
And, yeah, his first chemo, it was at that, cancer center. And,

00:17:02:21 - 00:17:12:00
Speaker 1
The first round of chemo and care things were not as supportive for Colton and Gabby as they should have been for a number of reasons.

00:17:12:00 - 00:17:13:11
Speaker 1
The first

00:17:13:11 - 00:17:14:04
Speaker 1
thing was like,

00:17:14:04 - 00:17:16:19
Speaker 1
the line of treatment she wanted to do was one that was

00:17:16:19 - 00:17:43:03
Speaker 1
kind of outdated with the amount of chemo cycles that he would have had to do. I would find out later, because that the most current research showed that you could actually do less and literally get the same, like the percentages of, like, recurrence versus, cure versus all these things were almost the exact same as, like doing 14 rounds of chemo versus like 20 or something.

00:17:43:03 - 00:18:04:23
Speaker 1
so the first chemo, he had his chemo and before that they gave him infusions of like pre medication that are supposed to help with the nausea and towards the end, you know, he's starting to get really pale and just not looking.

00:18:04:23 - 00:18:30:23
Speaker 1
Well of course. And he's he's kind of telling the nurses like I don't like I don't feel well at all. And they're like, okay. Yeah. And he's like, no, I feel like I'm going to kind of a mix of like faint and puke at the same time. And the nurses went and told the oncologist and she was kind of like, well, I gave you the best premeds I could.

00:18:30:23 - 00:19:02:04
Speaker 1
And so here, do you want to try a sprite and some crackers? And, yeah. So obviously that didn't go very well. And on the way home, I have a thankfully kind of what I can't remember if it was like a subreddit or something that had like tips for people's worst chemo and they were like, bring a puke bucket for like something to puke into just in case, like, so I it was.

00:19:02:04 - 00:19:25:17
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yes, truly. And so I had that because and I'm glad I did because on the way home we were maybe five minutes from home. He just was like, oh no. Like and I was like, oh, like grab it, grab the bucket for him. And he just was just puking. And then from there he continued to vomit for.

00:19:25:19 - 00:19:59:07
Speaker 1
Like eight hours, like with a couple. And you know, by the end of it, he's nothing's coming up but absolutely nothing staying down. He's like, And I called the emergency, like after hours because it's like evening by this time after hours. oncology part of the cancer center. And, and I told them what's going on, and they were like, because I had been trying to give him all of the anti-nausea medications that they had sent home with us.

00:19:59:09 - 00:20:18:05
Speaker 1
he didn't try, like the suppository version of that and just nothing like nothing was touching it. And so they were like, yeah, you should probably go to the emergency. I was like, okay, cool. So I get him, we load up

00:20:18:05 - 00:20:31:05
Speaker 1
those into the, we go into the emergency room and he is just it takes probably an hour before any of the idiots that they gave him started to work.

00:20:31:07 - 00:20:50:22
Speaker 1
And then once they did work, it was like, okay. Like, if he immediately, like, fell asleep, he just looked so much more just calm. Like everything in his body just looks more relaxed. And I was like, okay, okay, okay.

00:20:51:00 - 00:21:02:01
Speaker 1
From that point, Colton was able to start feeling a little less nauseous. He was able to keep down some food, and then midweek, when they went back to the doctor.

00:21:02:01 - 00:21:16:08
Speaker 1
the his white blood cells, which is basically like your immune system, were very steeply declining. And so he was almost at the point where they call it Nader, which is just like your like blood cancer just flatlined.

00:21:16:08 - 00:22:01:22
Speaker 1
You have like, no immune system. You the more susceptible to infection and disease and illness and all of this stuff during this period of time. And I found out later that it what is like normal is giving, a shot like a day after chemo. that is essentially almost like pretend, not pretend, but kind of stimulates your white blood cells so that the low like is as low and you can bounce back quicker from it instead of, like, staying low and like just being flatlined for like, weeks, you know?

00:22:02:00 - 00:22:31:03
Speaker 1
But, we, you know, you don't know what you don't know. And so a couple days after that, you know, the advice was just like, yeah, be careful. Like stays kind of contained as you can. And until the next chemo basically you're like, okay. So at this point it's like a week after the first emergency visit, like emergency room visit.

00:22:31:05 - 00:22:56:21
Speaker 1
And, the big thing you're supposed to look for is a fever over 100.4, because if it's over 100.4, you need to go into the E.R. because you have such a slim window as a cancer patient with no immune system of like, if it is an infection, like you need to be, we need to be getting this, like, under control immediately.

00:22:56:23 - 00:23:17:12
Speaker 1
And so he was just in like he just started becoming like, just in terrible pain, like overnight. It was like he just couldn't sleep. He was shaking. He was sweating. And he was just in inconsolable with how much pain he was in. And then I was checking his temperature and

00:23:17:12 - 00:23:23:10
Speaker 1
lo and behold, it went up to, I think, like I think it was like teetering on the edge.

00:23:23:10 - 00:23:38:20
Speaker 1
I remember because I was on the phone with the on call oncologist multiple times that night because I was like, okay, this is what's going on. It's like at 100.4. But I checked it a couple minutes or 30 minutes later and it was like 100.3, like, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

00:23:39:00 - 00:23:47:22
Speaker 1
And then ultimately, Gabby had to take Colton back to the E.R., where fortunately, they were able to get Colton's temperature and pain under control.

00:23:47:22 - 00:24:02:06
Speaker 1
you know, that happened multiple times throughout the years of his treatment was we would have to go to the emergency room and it would be no infection. But it was like his body was just like wreaking havoc on itself.

00:24:02:06 - 00:24:13:11
Speaker 1
And so you kind of have to you have to go anyway, even if it, you know, you don't know it's not an infection until you don't know. Yeah. And I remember sitting there,

00:24:13:11 - 00:24:15:15
Speaker 1
and he was asleep.

00:24:15:17 - 00:24:45:02
Speaker 1
It was like two in the morning. I just, I my anxiety was so like at level 15. And I just remember thinking I was like, I can't, I can't and we can't do this for a year. Plus, like, I cannot imagine us going to the E.R. every single week like this. Can't there? I was like, there has to I have to, like, look for more, like, there has to be.

00:24:45:02 - 00:24:54:09
Speaker 1
This is not the only cancer center. I feel like this can be better managed. I just like something is not lining up. And so,

00:24:54:09 - 00:25:15:02
Speaker 1
I ended up reaching out to get, like, a consult with, like, the Cancer Center of Colorado, which is the University of Colorado, Anschutz Cancer Center. And they have a sarcoma clinic. So it's like they have a whole department that's just dedicated to sarcoma.

00:25:15:04 - 00:25:45:14
Speaker 1
Yeah. And so, we did a console there, and it was like you go onto the university campus that's like their medical campus. And from, like the moment we walked in, Coleman, I both felt like, oh, okay, this is already feeling better. Like the just because, you know, before they met with us, they had his specific case, like just colon, his specific case.

00:25:45:14 - 00:26:15:19
Speaker 1
It scans everything is history brought before the tumor board, which involves, you know, surgeons. It involves radio. Really? Radiation oncologist. It involves multiple oncologists, not just in the sarcoma clinic. And it's like they all sit around and discuss him, like, as a, as a person and as a patient and like, okay, what do we think based off of him, his treatment should be like, how long should it be?

00:26:15:19 - 00:26:44:20
Speaker 1
Should we incorporate surgery or should we try radiation? Like what? Like it just felt more human like it for I felt more like he was a person when we went there. And so immediately we were like, okay, yeah, we're switching care. And from there it was it was pretty standard. for his first line of treatment, it was brutal.

00:26:44:20 - 00:27:13:18
Speaker 1
It was honestly the most brutal of he had. He went there treatment for three and a half years. And it was that like nine months was the most brutal of any of them, because the treatment is just so harsh, because it's like one week you are doing, you know, and these are chemotherapies from 60s, 70s, 80s because you were a sarcoma is a childhood cancer.

00:27:13:18 - 00:27:32:21
Speaker 1
And childhood cancer gets like 4% of funding for research. So there's like very rarely developments within it. Yeah. It's yeah it's sucks. And so you're getting like the harshest chemo combinations available.

00:27:32:21 - 00:27:42:09
Speaker 1
Colton alternated chemo cycles from two days of outpatient chemo to chemo cycles of being in the hospital for five days.

00:27:42:09 - 00:27:45:06
Speaker 1
it was just.

00:27:45:08 - 00:28:14:09
Speaker 1
Week after week, month after month. And eventually his, his blood counts were having a harder time. recovering as quickly. So then we had to space out the chemo a little bit. until at the end, like we have about halfway through, he did radiation on the tumor and we had to stop chemo for like six weeks or so and then started it up again.

00:28:14:14 - 00:28:47:14
Speaker 1
And by April of 2020, which the timing of that was so unfortunate because in like February, we his oncologist would they did scans and they found little nodules in his lungs that he was like, okay, we need to like this could literally be nothing but Ewing's sarcoma almost always metastasized first to the lungs. So I want to go in there, get them and then biopsy them essentially.

00:28:47:15 - 00:28:57:15
Speaker 1
By the time the lung nodules had shown up, the tumor head was almost gone and everyone assumed that it was dead. Which can happen.

00:28:57:15 - 00:28:59:07
Speaker 1
they, they did everything they could.

00:28:59:07 - 00:29:21:06
Speaker 1
They zapped it with radiation. It got as small as it was going to. Then through time it would it would be done. And the only thing that could maybe get in the way of that was whatever was happening in the lungs. So, in like March halting his, oncologist is like, trying to schedule him for that biopsy.

00:29:21:06 - 00:29:46:13
Speaker 1
And then all of, like, all of this Covid stuff is happening. And so he is like, fighting with like, like everyone to be like, this is necessary. This is medically necessary. He needs to have this surgery. You need to let him have a surgery. Like. Yeah, his oncologist really, like, went to bat for him. And just like, yeah, he was great.

00:29:46:15 - 00:30:18:11
Speaker 1
And, ended up getting the surgery. Ended up being the lung nodules were nothing. They were just they were just nodules on his lungs. And so we yeah, after that surgery, we did have a very scary er trip right after he was discharged because one of his lungs collapsed and he was in such bad pain. he ended up like, passing out.

00:30:18:11 - 00:30:44:07
Speaker 1
And I had to essentially, like, drag him to our car and drive him to the emergency room, because the emergency room is only five minutes away. And I was trying to do this, like math in my head of like, okay, is an ambulance going to get here faster than the like five minutes I can drive if I can get him in this car and I yeah, I drove him and then I had to drop him off because I was Covid and I've never had to do that before ever.

00:30:44:07 - 00:31:10:12
Speaker 1
Like I basically had to drop him off at the doors like I could check him in. And then I had to go and like, he was like being like, helped along by these nurses. But it was I don't know if I've ever been so hysterical then that drive home because I just yeah, it was oh yeah, that is like burned in my brain.

00:31:10:12 - 00:31:31:23
Speaker 1
after that, we, we thought he was all clear because the lung nodules were nothing. So we were pretty happy. We bought a house in the mountains of Colorado because I remember asking Colton, like, before we had gotten the all clear. I was like, okay, so these lung nodules could be something they could not be something.

00:31:31:23 - 00:31:54:06
Speaker 1
If you let's just say you had a year to live, what would you be doing with that year? Like why would you want to do. And he was like, but probably just want to live in the mountains here. And I was like, okay, well that's looking it's like a house. Yeah. And so yeah, we bought a house and it was great.

00:31:54:08 - 00:32:28:14
Speaker 1
And then Colton started getting pretty persistent migraines. And he was almost due for scans anyway, because they scan you every three months for about five years, after treatment and he was almost due for that first set of scans, and he was telling his oncologists about these migraines that were just getting worse and worse. And his oncologist was like, you know, maybe we'll have you come in earlier than, like, waiting a few weeks because this could be nothing.

00:32:28:16 - 00:33:05:19
Speaker 1
I in fact, I feel like it probably is nothing. But I really want to make sure. And so because it's it's like less than 0.02% chance that Ewing's sarcoma metastasizes to your brain first. And so we he goes in for scans. And I was driving down to work at my serving job and it was like 9:00 Am or is like no, it's like 8 a.m. because I was opening the restaurant and I get a call from Colton, and he was just like, it's in my brain.

00:33:05:21 - 00:33:37:07
Speaker 1
And I was like, what do you mean? It's like, I just got a call from an ecologist and it it's, it's in my brain like, oh my God. And I just like, I had just pulled into the restaurant and I like walked in and the chef manager whatever. Like takes one look at me. I think his wife had had cancer cause he and I would talk cancer stuff a of it and just took one look at me and it's like, what's happening?

00:33:37:07 - 00:34:16:04
Speaker 1
And I was just like, I think it's in his brain. And he was just like, he gave me a hug. And he was just like, go home, go home. Do not come back. Do not come back until like to not even worry about this place and not worry about coming back anything. And so. I did and we immediately were, you know, back in the hospital, back doing tests, back scheduling surgery for his brain and in the middle of that, we took a trip to Seattle to see some friends.

00:34:16:04 - 00:34:48:06
Speaker 1
And, I remember him telling me because he had very much been like, I want this to take me. I cannot do this again. I cannot do this again. Like, this is horrible. I'm not doing it. They can take this out of my brain and if it comes back, then fine. Like it can take me and he. By the end of that trip, he was just like, you know, okay, I'll give treatment another shot.

00:34:48:07 - 00:35:13:14
Speaker 1
Like at the end of the day, I literally just want more time with you. He's like, so even if I'm going to die, I would rather be later than sooner. And so, yeah, they, they surgically removed his the, the tumor in his brain, which, ironically enough, brain surgery is an incredibly easy surgery to recover from for the most part.

00:35:13:16 - 00:35:29:09
Speaker 1
Like, it's always, always it's easiest surgery, like it's crazy. I don't know why. No, I know, but, And then started his next line of treatment,

00:35:29:09 - 00:35:35:10
Speaker 1
And that took some trial and error to find the right balance for Colton. But they worked hard to figure it out.

00:35:35:10 - 00:35:39:15
Speaker 1
he had like good weeks, which was like unheard of my kid whole weeks.

00:35:39:15 - 00:36:00:07
Speaker 1
He had like a whole week that we could like do things and you get like live life. And so that was, that was I don't want to say great because it wasn't great. But you know, comparatively, that was great. It's awful.

00:36:00:07 - 00:36:13:02
Speaker 1
so we ended up moving to Seattle in 2021. We'd both always wanted to live there. and we could.

00:36:13:02 - 00:36:37:07
Speaker 1
And so we did. And they had a great sarcoma center there as well. So we had kind of gotten on this, track of like, we're going to do we're going to shoot for a stem cell transplant. Because I had looked at the statistics almost immediately of what happens when you and sarcoma goes to your brain and it's like 0% survival rate past like a couple years.

00:36:37:09 - 00:37:04:23
Speaker 1
And but I was a part of a lot of, sarcoma support groups, relapse groups, terminal groups, all of this stuff. And the I can remember finding two cases where one of them was someone's granddaughter and one of them was her daughter. They had, they were past like five years, like they had had they had gone straight to their brain surgery treatment.

00:37:04:23 - 00:37:29:02
Speaker 1
And they were now past five years. But the treatment for both of those cases was a stem cell transplant. And so I was like, I just like got hooked into my brain of like, okay, stem cell transplant. That's yeah. I was like, anything's going to help if anything can like give us actual years, good years together, if not potentially cure.

00:37:29:03 - 00:37:55:04
Speaker 1
I don't know, but, it's going to be that. And so I just it got hooked to my brain. So, yeah, the, Seattle cancer Care Alliance had a great stem cell program. And so we moved there with the intention of doing that. And so we kind of just hit it hard, hit treatment hard, because in order to do a stem cell, there needs to be no sign of active cancer in your body.

00:37:55:06 - 00:38:18:15
Speaker 1
And so, we were like. we were doing the consult with the, with the, stem cell transplant team. And one of the things we needed to do was get scans, like, right before we were going to go in. And he had he had recently had scans and everything was looking good or he was looking good.

00:38:18:15 - 00:38:40:23
Speaker 1
And so we were like, oh my gosh, okay. Like I was mentally preparing for how hard, I mean, we were both mentally preparing for how hard the stem cell stuff was going to be because that is like it's like creating a baby immune system, like it's like you were an infant again, basically, like you have nothing. And it's a lot of shuttling back and forth to the hospital for like months after.

00:38:40:23 - 00:39:20:01
Speaker 1
So we were were like mentally preparing for that part of it because we were like, okay, it's like right here. And we got the scans, like right before. And there was another spot in his brain and. It was like damn devastating. Thing ever. I just. I think because, like, Colton had never looked at his prognosis and I had.

00:39:20:03 - 00:39:39:16
Speaker 1
And then as soon as I found out about the stem cell, it was like I had completely shoved that to the back of my brain. I was like, prognosis be the end. It does not matter, because now we have this and this like if other people have done it, why not Colton? Why would it not work for him?

00:39:39:18 - 00:39:55:23
Speaker 1
And so I had helped. So hold on to that so hard that it was devastating for Colton, of course. But it just like.

00:39:56:01 - 00:40:30:10
Speaker 1
I feel like it just took the wind out of my sails. The wind out of my hope. And it was it was it took some time to recover from that. But, we kind of just went back to the drawing board with his oncologist and we were like, okay. Well, tell us about prognosis. And his oncologist was just like, it is so hard to do that.

00:40:30:10 - 00:40:58:19
Speaker 1
Like, I don't like to do that because every person's different. But he basically was like, I think you guys would be extremely fortunate if you got to spend years together, like plural. And so I was like, okay, we both were kind of like in our minds, we were like six months to a year. so we just started living our life based on that.

00:40:58:19 - 00:41:37:07
Speaker 1
We went to the most like the quote unquote, easiest maintenance chemo that I had found other people were able to do for an extended period of time and have and keep it at bay, which this oncologist had never done before. But I was like, listen, I like printed up so many like studies of how it was like helping specific like because at the time, like I was I was obviously not a doctor and oncologist, but I knew the lingo of the sarcoma world so well that I was just like finding I was like, okay, I know this chromosome, whatever.

00:41:37:09 - 00:42:00:07
Speaker 1
It's like it reacts to this. Well, it's so it's okay that it's not his specific cancer because it's the same kind of whatever chromosome going on. And so both of so I like presented my case to him for this, like specific chemotherapy. And he was like, okay, like if you want to try it, all right. Like we'll see how it goes.

00:42:00:09 - 00:42:28:21
Speaker 1
And by the end he was just like, you know, I'm really glad you guys pushed for that because now I like now I have that in my repertoire I got. Yeah. He's like an I never quite I considered it but it was definitely it allowed Colton to live in a way we had not been able to live since before he was even diagnosed.

00:42:28:23 - 00:43:02:03
Speaker 1
we went skydiving, we traveled I mean yeah, I met you when we were traveling to Hawaii and we went to Hawaii multiple times. We we just. Yeah, it ended up we got we did our vows table and our place in canopy, Oregon, with our family and friends and and it was beautiful and it ended up being just a little over a year after that that he passed away.

00:43:02:03 - 00:43:35:16
Speaker 1
And his health didn't steeply decline until the last two months because he needed two additional brain surgeries. And those brain surgeries were kind of the beginning of the end of his. Yeah, health decline, because I look at pictures and like even a week before his brain surgery, the one of two of that year, he looked like you would never look at him and be like, yeah, the students got cancer.

00:43:35:20 - 00:43:48:15
Speaker 1
You know, like he's he's sick. He's not doing well. Like you just looked at him and but by the end, he. Yeah, it was. Yeah.

00:43:50:00 - 00:43:52:15
Speaker 1
when you are really missing me

00:43:52:15 - 00:43:53:22
Speaker 1
or mourning

00:43:53:22 - 00:43:54:15
Speaker 1
for me,

00:43:54:15 - 00:43:57:08
Speaker 1
I don't want any part of it to be.

00:43:58:03 - 00:44:01:10
Speaker 1
Just that I'm dead. Because,

00:44:01:10 - 00:44:06:15
Speaker 1
like, I don't want it to be sad that I'm dead. Like, of course you're going to miss me,

00:44:06:15 - 00:44:11:05
Speaker 1
and you're going to wish that you could be with me, and I'm. I don't want to take that away. But I want you

00:44:11:06 - 00:44:12:10
Speaker 1
to know

00:44:12:10 - 00:44:13:17
Speaker 1
and remind yourself

00:44:13:17 - 00:44:15:21
Speaker 1
that I am no longer in pain.

00:44:15:21 - 00:44:24:08
Speaker 1
And when I do die, although it will be sad, I won't be in pain anymore. Babe. And.

00:44:24:08 - 00:44:26:06
Speaker 1
I will be at peace.

00:44:26:06 - 00:44:27:07
Speaker 1
I will be

00:44:27:07 - 00:44:28:20
Speaker 1
at peace. I will be free.

00:44:28:20 - 00:44:31:21
Speaker 1
And so I just want you to remind yourself that

00:44:31:21 - 00:44:33:00
Speaker 1
when it's tough,

00:44:33:00 - 00:44:35:17
Speaker 1
that you don't need to be sad for me.

00:44:35:17 - 00:44:39:02
Speaker 1
on top of being sad about everything else.

00:46:25:23 - 00:46:27:05
Speaker 2
Yeah.

00:46:27:07 - 00:47:17:12
Speaker 1
And I say this any time, like, comes up about his actual death, his passing and we, you know, we were fortunate enough to live in a state that, allowed death with dignity. And I really believe us being able to, like, take advantage of that was a huge part of how his death could act. Like I can look back even at even after, you know, even minutes after he took his last breath.

00:47:17:14 - 00:47:43:01
Speaker 1
I can look back and say, that was the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced, because it was sort of his turns. It was like he finally nothing. None of this had been on his terms, you know, was like he finally got to have it on his terms and be surrounded by the people he loved and who loved him and just have it.

00:47:43:03 - 00:47:47:14
Speaker 1
Be.

00:47:47:16 - 00:48:04:08
Speaker 1
Beautiful like, I don't I don't know how else to describe it. It's such a horrible, horribly beautiful thing to be a part of it. you know, his mom was there. The person who.

00:48:04:10 - 00:48:18:06
Speaker 1
Brought him into the world. And it was beautiful to be a part of her, and I. I'm seeing him out of it. It's hard to describe, but, yeah.

00:48:29:04 - 00:48:39:14
Speaker 2
It's.

00:48:39:16 - 00:48:45:09
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah.

00:48:45:11 - 00:49:39:19
Speaker 1
I he yeah. Yeah.

00:49:39:20 - 00:49:43:21
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah, I agree, and.

00:49:44:07 - 00:50:12:12
Speaker 1
Yeah. The being ready to die is just such a I don't like it. Sounds almost morbid to say it's inspiring, but, like, having watched him for three and a half years just suffer. Like when I think about what makes me the saddest when I like, think and get like, really sad is just how much he suffered. Like how much he suffered.

00:50:12:12 - 00:50:41:19
Speaker 1
It's not even like the dying because he was ready. Like, I we've filmed like we had we also we I listened to your podcast episode with the dead to us and, we also had a doctor who stole, actually my friend and, she calls it like the sacred hour before, you take the medication that ends your life an hour before you take the anti-maskers.

00:50:41:19 - 00:50:54:18
Speaker 1
That will just make sure everything stays down and runs smoothly. And so there's this hour between that, she calls the sacred hour because she's just seen the most beautiful things

00:50:54:18 - 00:51:07:13
Speaker 1
come out of families and people and loved ones and and so we filmed, like I just said, set up my camera or my phone nearby to film it. And I sometimes go back and watch it, and it really is.

00:51:07:13 - 00:51:30:12
Speaker 1
And he really was ready. Like, he just he and he says, and at some point he's just like, I just want you guys to know that if I could stay, I would, but I can't. And so I'm excited. Like, I was so excited to not be in pain because at that point, his pain was absolutely out of control, like nothing could control it.

00:51:30:17 - 00:51:33:06
Speaker 1
And yeah,

00:51:34:09 - 00:51:36:06
Speaker 1
I want you to be happy.

00:51:36:06 - 00:51:40:20
Speaker 1
I want you to do things that make you smile.

00:51:40:19 - 00:51:44:18
Speaker 1
I want you to do things that are fulfilling to you, that make you feel,

00:51:44:18 - 00:51:49:07
Speaker 1
seen as an individual and makes you

00:51:49:07 - 00:51:51:13
Speaker 1
feel like you're honoring yourself

00:51:51:13 - 00:51:52:18
Speaker 1
and.

00:51:52:18 - 00:51:53:18
Speaker 1
that is

00:51:53:18 - 00:51:55:03
Speaker 1
extremely important to me.

00:51:55:04 - 00:52:00:12
Speaker 1
I want you to be happy, and I want you to do things that make you happy and that make you

00:52:00:12 - 00:52:04:15
Speaker 1
feel like you. because I love you. I love all of you.

00:52:04:15 - 00:52:07:13
Speaker 1
If you need my permission, then you've got it.

00:52:07:13 - 00:52:09:12
Speaker 1
Wherever your heart takes you, I want you to go.

00:52:09:12 - 00:52:11:22
Speaker 1
And then I want you to see and do whatever

00:52:11:22 - 00:52:13:13
Speaker 1
your heart tells you to.

00:52:13:13 - 00:52:17:02
Speaker 1
Also, remember that it's your heart we're talking about, not your brain.

00:52:17:02 - 00:52:20:15
Speaker 1
I'm just really proud of you. And I love you. And I hope

00:52:20:15 - 00:52:22:16
Speaker 1
that you can do something for you today.

00:52:22:16 - 00:52:24:12
Speaker 1
And that makes you feel

00:52:24:12 - 00:52:25:16
Speaker 1
happy to be alive,

00:52:25:16 - 00:52:26:19
Speaker 1
because I

00:52:26:19 - 00:52:28:19
Speaker 1
am very happy that you are alive,

00:52:28:19 - 00:52:31:08
Speaker 1
because I live on in your memory.

00:52:31:08 - 00:52:34:09
Speaker 1
And all the love that we shared still exists. So

00:52:34:09 - 00:52:37:10
Speaker 1
I want you to continue living in loving,

00:52:37:11 - 00:52:39:03
Speaker 1
because that's what I would do,

00:52:39:03 - 00:52:40:18
Speaker 1
and that's what I would want to do,

00:52:40:18 - 00:52:42:14
Speaker 1
is to keep living and loving.

00:54:17:14 - 00:54:53:21
Speaker 1
Well, to be honest, the first year of his diagnosis was just rough for both of us, like, so. I don't know that I. I guess maybe it's, you know, somebody else is going through the. But it's okay that it's just rough, like, it's just it's like, I feel like we were so just surviving and it just had to be like, I, the first couple months, I had never really considered myself one that, like, really struggled with anxiety.

00:54:53:22 - 00:55:30:14
Speaker 1
Like, I would have anxious moments as everyone does, but I, I that first, the first couple months of his diagnosis, I went to the my GP, who I ended up just going to the same GP that Colin had gone to that found Colin's cancer. So just easier that way. And yeah. Yeah. And I ended up seeing him like 4 or 5 times in the span of like three months because I would go in and just be like, I think I'm having a heart attack.

00:55:30:16 - 00:55:59:11
Speaker 1
I think I'm having a heart attack. And he would he would like, listen, look for all the signs. He's like, you're not like, you're okay, you're not. And then by like, you know, the fifth time he would just like sat me down. He was just like Gabby, what you're going through, it's a lot like it's a lot. And what you may be experiencing is anxiety and panic attacks around that.

00:55:59:16 - 00:56:33:10
Speaker 1
So you're not dying, I promise. Like I can. He was just like, I can give you like, resources. If you want them, I can give you medication like you tell me what you need and like I'll do the best I can. Basically. And growing up mormon and like with my family background, I was so like, very much stigmatized against any sort of mental health help in general, even if it was like medication, therapy, any of that.

00:56:33:12 - 00:57:23:19
Speaker 1
And so I was kind of like that scared me. And I was just I didn't do anything about it. And then after the first Christmas when he had, you know, that first Christmas he, my family all came just like Christmas of us. And, when they left, oh my God, it hit me so hard. I just laid on the couch for like, two weeks and couldn't bring myself, like, Colton was in our room recovering and I was just in the living room on the couch, just so depressed and my sister, told me she was just like, if I find you a therapist that I really think could help you, like, would you just do

00:57:23:21 - 00:57:50:22
Speaker 1
a console call with, And I just kind of like, I was like, yeah, sure. Sounds like good luck fighting on that. I'm like, oh, yeah. Like, excited about or even excited about it, like, I'll trust you. But she did she like, took weeks to look into the therapists around me. And she found she dialed it down to one and she was like, I feel so strongly that you're that this is going to be the person for you.

00:57:51:00 - 00:58:14:08
Speaker 1
And I was like, okay. So I like looked at her website and all that. I was like, yeah, okay. I can I can get behind this kind of. So I did the console call and like from immediately I just felt so safe with her and understood. And it turns out she had cancer as well when she was younger, and she had a son that died tragically.

00:58:14:08 - 00:58:54:08
Speaker 1
And so she had like all this experience that I was like. And she left, a very repressive religion. I cannot remember which one. But she had like a very similar background. And so I was like, oh. And her approach to therapy was I really could get behind. It was very mindfulness based. And, she eventually got me to be able to meditate and like, be able to calm my brain down and just, like, exist and just like, pay attention to what's happening around, like, be present to what is happening around me instead of like, what's going on in my head.

00:58:54:08 - 00:59:21:00
Speaker 1
It's like, okay, get out of your head. What does that actually feel like? She, like, taught me how to, like, feel in my body. Yeah. And so that truly, truly, that was like, such a saving thing for me to have someone who I could trust, who?

00:59:21:02 - 00:59:52:02
Speaker 1
I just laid it all out there, you know, I was just able to every week, just lay it all out there. The good, the bad, the ugly. There was just nothing that I didn't feel like I could tell her. And that just became such a huge. Saving grace for me, I guess. But that. And then, I don't know if I could see this one here, but then I did mushrooms, and so that was like, oh, did you okay.

00:59:52:02 - 01:00:19:09
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah. I that was like, yeah. The whole like psychedelic that it was like, that's what finally got, me and cotton to both like, accept that he was dying. Like, after we got that news about, the stem cell, like, we did mushrooms with some, like, we had some trusted friends that were our kind of facilitators.

01:00:19:09 - 01:00:50:20
Speaker 1
That made it a completely, like, safe space. That just allowed us to really just work through it together. And just. I had the most, like, profound visual experience during like one of the sound things that we did, where I basically was like in this dark room in the visual and it was like a grayscale was like black and white.

01:00:50:22 - 01:01:12:07
Speaker 1
And there was me. I was like, little is like a little me in a chair in the middle of it. And I had this, this ominous like presence of a dark, big shadow that was just like walking around me in this room. And it felt like it was like closing and closing in. And I was I was scared, I was like, oh, what is this?

01:01:12:07 - 01:01:29:23
Speaker 1
But then I had told my therapist that I was going to do this, and she was like, if anything scares you, just turn to it, just turn to it and ask it what it wants because nothing's going to hurt you, but it could show you something. And so I was like, I was like, okay, big shadowy, scary me what do you want?

01:01:30:01 - 01:01:53:21
Speaker 1
And and you know, it's not answering me, but my inner self. It's like I became like there was me and then my inner Gabby came out and I was like, next to me. And she start, you know, she starts talking to me and she's like, this, what you were about to experience is going to be the hardest thing you will ever experience in your life.

01:01:53:23 - 01:02:16:20
Speaker 1
And then she, like, takes my hand and we go and it it, turns into this like, beautiful, like blindingly white sandy beach area. And she just takes me to the edge of the water. She's telling me this, and she's like, turns to me and she's like, but I promise you, you will get through it. I promise you'll be okay.

01:02:16:22 - 01:02:21:07
Speaker 1
And it just was.

01:02:21:09 - 01:03:05:01
Speaker 1
Yeah, that I have written journal entries about it. We call and I recorded some of our conversations during it and that that, like Mushroom Trip specifically, was such a turning point and being able to like. Just accept what was happening. Not that it made it easy, but the accept sometimes the acceptance of it is what's the hardest? So yeah.

01:03:05:03 - 01:03:22:15
Speaker 1
Yeah.

01:03:27:23 - 01:03:44:13
Speaker 1
Yeah.

01:03:44:15 - 01:03:55:05
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah. And I've definitely found that to be true. Moving through my grief.

01:03:55:05 - 01:04:12:05
Speaker 1
I. Just kind of have had to let it be. And I knew from the beginning that that's how I was going to have to do it, that it was going to just have to be okay if it completely ruined my day.

01:04:12:05 - 01:04:34:01
Speaker 1
Like if I got ready, started work, and I had to stop, like, I'm fortunate enough to be in a position where, you know, I can do that. But like, it's still sucks. You know, when you're ready for the day and, and have this list of stuff that has to be done and then very quickly, it's just. No longer possible.

01:04:34:03 - 01:05:01:04
Speaker 1
And I did that has been very helpful. The fact that so early on, I just, you know, instead of running away from it, shoving it down, I just let it happen. And sometimes I would have to give myself like a time I'd be like, okay, I need to let this happen for like 30 minutes and then I'm gonna go on with my day.

01:05:01:04 - 01:05:33:02
Speaker 1
And if that comes up in a couple of hours, I need another 30 minutes, then, okay, I can do that. But, I just it just has to be. It just has to happen. And that. Yeah, that's truly the number one thing that and having, you know, I am surrounded. I do have an excellent support system. I have always felt comfortable, you know, being vulnerable with my people, which is it's great.

01:05:33:02 - 01:06:56:21
Speaker 1
It's you know, I'm very fortunate and grateful for that.

01:06:56:23 - 01:07:20:00
Speaker 1
Just.

01:07:29:00 - 01:07:52:22
Speaker 1
So.

01:07:53:00 - 01:07:58:05
Speaker 1
Yeah. Thanks for letting me have, a little platform and appreciate it.

01:08:06:01 - 01:08:07:08
Speaker 2
Thanks.

01:08:07:10 - 01:08:40:22
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah. No. It's good. What life is. Life is good. And I feel com like all the time. So even been can't, you know, since I have so many moments of just feeling like he's there. So it's hard to. It's hard to say. Life is not good when you have that. You know.

01:08:41:00 - 01:08:54:09
Speaker 2
It's.

01:08:57:11 - 01:09:19:10
Speaker 1
it's. Yeah. yeah. I've had yeah. The amount of times like, we've had both types of things with like, my nieces and nephews and me and my sisters and my in-laws. Yeah. It's so many. Like, it's just it helps. It helps a lot to just feel like it's there. So.

01:09:19:10 - 01:09:22:23
Speaker 1
All of my love. Like, not even just a little bit of it.

01:09:23:01 - 01:09:23:19
Speaker 1
All of it

01:09:23:19 - 01:09:26:10
Speaker 1
will still be accessible to you.

01:09:26:10 - 01:09:28:12
Speaker 1
Because when I give it to you every day, it.

01:09:28:12 - 01:09:35:18
Speaker 1
It leaves me and goes to you in every bit of space in between us

01:09:36:11 - 01:09:40:04
Speaker 1
In it. That's something you can never put back in. And your

01:09:40:04 - 01:09:42:15
Speaker 1
so whenever you need it, it's going to be there.

01:09:42:17 - 01:09:53:10
Speaker 1
Thank you so much for listening to this episode today to celebrate Gabby's strength and help us to honor Colton's life.

01:09:53:10 - 01:10:18:14
Speaker 1
if you go to the show notes, you're going to see links for an episode we did with an amazing grief therapist. So if you are experiencing grief or a loved one deserves, this is an amazing resource. There's also our link to the episode with a Death Doula that Gabby referenced, as well as, links to our episodes on microdosing as well, so you can check the show notes for those resources

01:10:18:14 - 01:10:28:17
Speaker 1
And the next time you're outside and you feel a gust of wind. Let it be a moment to remember Colton. To remember your loved ones.

01:10:28:17 - 01:10:31:01
Speaker 1
And to remember to

01:10:31:01 - 01:10:36:11
Speaker 1
trust your intuition and your inner knowing. To guide you. Just like Gabby.